The costs of having children. An itemized breakdown.

While driving on an errand this morning, I got thinking and realized something. A lot of people (especially older people) seem to promote the idea that it doesn't really cost much more money to have more children. While that may have been true in the past, I don't believe it is that way as much now.

What are the costs of having children? Note, I'm only going to be focusing on the cost for the first few years of life, as that's all I've had direct experience with at this point.

1. Food. If you breastfeed, your baby will eat completely free for the first 4-6 months of his life. Formula, of course, will cost much more, and since it is consumable, if you formula feed a second child, the same costs will apply a second time.

A lot of parents nowadays feed their babies specially prepared baby food. This, like formula, costs a lot, and is not transferable from one baby to the next. You can cut down siginificantly on the cost of feeding your older baby/toddler by simply giving him baby-safe portions of the same foods you have prepared for the rest of the family. Special dietary needs aside (such as allergies requiring special foods), you can still feed you baby for practically free, as you would have prepared the food for yourself anyway and are just sharing a small portion of what you already have with your baby.

2. Shelter. If you already have a home, it doesn't (shouldn't) really cost anything extra to house a child, or additional children. As far as living space goes, a little can go a long way with some sacrifice and ingenuity on your part. Bigger concerns with housing a larger number of children in a small space are, possible overload on your water heater or septic system (if you have a septic system); possible blockage of escape routes during a fire; weight capacity overload if you live in a non-ground-floor apartment; and other general physical hazards to your children such as having dangerous implements within a toddler's reach because you can't think of a safer place to store them, or the tripping hazard posed by clutter on the floor.

3. Clothing. It's been nice for us, with two boys and another boy on the way. Handing down clothes from one kid to the next is a great way to save on the cost of clothing your children. You still have to buy the clothing for your oldest, and once in a while something new for your younger kids, but costs in this area do not have to be overly burdensome for your second, third, fourth children...Though eventually the clothes will wear thin and need to be replaced.

Of course, if you have children of different genders, you will end up spending at least twice as much on clothing than if you have children of only one gender.

4. Transportation. Gone are the days when a family of twelve could all cram themselves into a station wagon. Ever-developing seatbelt and carseat laws have resulted in a dramatic increase in the cost of transporting children by car over the last few decades. And the more children you have, the higher the cost in this area. There's no way around it.

First came the law that every person riding in a car had to have his or her own seatbelt. Suddenly the station wagon that used to transport twelve now could only transport six-nine.

Then came the carseat law (or maybe it came at the same time as the seatbelt law, I don't know. Don't take this account as a completely historically accurate rendering). Now every baby up to a certain age was required by law to ride in a carseat. No more carrying baby on your lap.

Over the years, the age requirments for carseat use have gone up. When I was a child, the minimum legal age for riding without a carseat was 4 years. Now in some places, that age has gone up to 6 years or even 8. And beyond that, the recommended age even goes up to age 12, or until the child meets certain height and weight requirments allowing him or her to receive the maximum protection from using an adult seat and seatbelt.

What all that means is, where parents used to be able to hand down carseats from one kid to the next as the older children no longer needed them, now if you have six children all under the age of twelve, you may be required to purchase separate carseats for each one of them. Not to mention, carseats should be discarded and replaced every seven years (or as otherwise recommended by the manufacturer), and also in the case of even a slight fender-bender. If your youngest child is ten years younger than your oldest, there's no way they should be using the same carseat.

With the development of airbags, it was no longer considered safe for children in carseats, or children under the age of twelve to ride in a front seat.

With all this in mind, it's no wonder vehicles have been getting bigger over time, as well as pricier.

4. Diapers. Parents nowadays often lament the overwhelming cost of diapering their babies. Well, there's a way around that: use cloth. Though for some people, cloth is not a practical option-- such as if you have no easy access to a washer and dryer. Or if you live in a very dry part of the country where the cost of water is astronomical, it may actually be cheaper, or comparable in price, to use disposable diapers. And then some parents seem to be unaware of the fact that cloth is even an option, or else they have too many pre-conceived notions about cloth that make them cringe at the thought and believe that the cost of disposable diapers is just a necessary expense that they can't get around.

Disposable diapers are not reusable from baby to baby. But cloth is. So yes, if you use disposable diapers on all your children, you will be spending roughly $1500-$2000 per child by the time he or she is potty trained. If you use simple prefolds and good-quality covers on your first baby, your diapering costs will be closer to $500, and the cost for additional babies will be minimal, mainly to replace the occasional worn-out cover, plus the cost of water and detergent.

5. Daycare/Babysitting. I don't put my kids in regular daycare, since I am a stay-at-home mom. But there is still the occasional cost for childcare, such as when I go to the gym and put my boys in the daycare there for a half-hour, or when Nick and I hire a babysitter. To be reasonable, you can't expect to pay the same amount to someone for watching three kids as you would pay them for watching just one. So the cost of childcare for additional children is definitely more than it is for just one.

6. School. I only have one kid in school so far. He attends a privately-run preschool three days a week (total 7.5 hours) for $150 a month. This, again, is a cost that we will also incur with all future children. And one that is completely worth it, for me. Some parents may choose to homeschool their preschool-age children (which may or may not cost much money, depending on the chosen method/curriculum); and some parents will qualify to have their children in a free public program like Head Start, which won't put an additional financial burden on the parents.

All of the above also applies to schooling for older children. Private school will cost the most, then homeschool, then public school. If you have your kids in public school, the only costs you will incur will be for lunches (but then, you should be feeding your kids lunch every day anyway), possibly transportation; and, as your child gets older, you'll also have to pay for their involvement in any extracurricular activities such as music or sports. Of course, if you have more than one child these costs will be greater for multiple children than they would be for just one.

7. Toys and Entertainment. A lot of toys-- like clothing-- can be handed down from one kid to the next; though of course your children will appreciate having some of their own toys as well. Forms of commercial entertainment-- such as the occasional trip to the movies-- of course will cost more the more children you bring along. But entertainment can be found pretty cheaply if you use some creativity; and especially if you do a lot of activities together as a family (such as watching a video at home, or playing a game), if often does not cost anything for additional family members to join in.

8. Healthcare. Depending on what kind of insurance coverage you have (or don't have), costs in this area can vary greatly. I'm not going to go into details here, since I'm not really that knowledgeable in this area. But just to say, that depending on your individual circumstances, anticipated healthcare costs for each of your children over the course of their childhoods, may certainly be a strong factor in determining how many children you choose to have.

When the toddler won't go to bed...

I get to stay up late! Woo-hoo!

Okay, well, normally I would not be okay with that, but I was kind of in the mood tonight. Z took a nap starting at 4:30 this afternoon, so I knew he would be going down late (or, later than usual; he's always a night owl). He's finally asleep now, at 1 AM.

We watched a movie together, then I took him to bed and he went right down. Drank his water. I put on some music for him, then came out and played a couple games of Mah Jong and when I checked on him again he was asleep.

Now I've just had a light snack of bread and cheese because I was feeling hungry. Am debating whether to go to bed now, or to stay up and maybe do some dishes, haha. I will probably go to bed, though...

My 4-year-old is such a worrier!

For example, while sitting and eating lunch just now, he asked me if Legos were fire-proof. I said no, they'd melt in a fire. So then he said in a worried voice, almost on the verge of tears, "But Mom, what if Nana's house caught on fire and all her Legos melted?"

And he does this all the time, about all sorts of things. And he's so worried about time. Nick noticed last night that The Wizard of Oz was going to be playing on Cable at 7:15, and so we decided to watch it as a family (I had just finished reading the book to G a few days ago). G wanted to watch the clock, so we told him what to watch for. But then every five minutes or so, he'd start freaking out, worrying that we were going forget, or somehow miss the start of the movie!

I try saying to him "Don't worry, just trust me. When have I ever let you down?" Or "It'll be all right, we don't need to worry about that." But he's never convinced. The poor kid carries the weight of the world on his shoulders, it seems.   

"dark side" ramblings #2

My 4-yo is so funny. Last night in the process of going to the bathroom before bed, he interrupted himself about five times to come out and tell me something else on his mind. Poor kid has thoughts tumbling out faster than he can process them. Hmm, reminds me of someone else I know...

Woke up at 3 AM this morning, not because of leg cramps but because I just can't get back to sleep! I'm just sitting down to the computer now after washing a small load of dishes in the sink. Wish there were more I could do in the middle of the night without waking my family.

On the agenda for today: take down the toddler bed, organize the boys' room, and move G to the top bunk (which means taking down the "loft") so Z can have the bottom bunk. Z has decided he pretty much hates his toddler bed; he's never really liked the feel of the mattress, being for too firm for him, and he's always trying to climb into G's bed. Anyway, something has to be done because we've got to get him to stop sleeping with us!

I must remember to have Nick remove the tires out of my car; it's been two days now I've been driving around with two tires in the passenger seat blocking my vision, and it's a little worrisome. But, we're ready for winter driving now!

I am SO not ready for Fall to be over! Our Autumn seems so short around here. We get maybe two good weeks to enjoy the changing colors and falling leaves, and then it all gets covered in frost and snow. But then, what a gorgeous two weeks! I'm glad I took the boys out for plenty of walks, and raked up that huge pile of leaves for them to play in for a couple of days (and yes, I got pictures).

My boys have been remarkably well-behaved considering all the candy they've been eating. I have also been remarkably well-behaved considering all the candy I've been eating...

3 AM...welcome to the "dark side"

Almost every night lately, I wake up around 3 AM with leg and/or hip pain keeping me from going back to sleep. Ah, the joys of pregnancy...

I've been playing way too much Mahjong as a result... ;) I'm going to takea break from that, though, for some random pregnancy rambles.

Now we know we're having another baby boy(!) I think G was rather disappointed, as before he kept talking about his "baby sister." He handled the news quite maturely, though. I hope my boys have a lot of good times growing up together. I hope I survive lol

This time around, I am looking forward to trying a waterbirth-- yay!

Baby's movements are becoming stronger every day; Nick's even felt him kick a few times. I haven't invited the boys to feel it yet, as I'm afraid they'd be too disappointed if they didn't manage to feel anything right then; so I'm waiting until it will be easier for them to feel-- and see-- the movement.

I'm trying to sing a lot more during this pregnancy. With my first, I was in the community choir throughout most of my pregnancy, so G got to hear me sing a lot in the womb; but most of Z's later gestation was during the "summer break," so he didn't get to hear me sing as much. I don't know if this is the reason, but Z has always been less appreciative of my singing than G has. I used to sing G to sleep all the time, it was soothing to him; but the opposite seems to occur with Z, as it just distracts him and he asks me to stop. With this pregnancy, I am not in the community choir at all; one more good reason for starting my song blog (onethousandonesongs.blogspot.com) to help keep me singing.

I have to use a yoga ball now whenever I sit at the computer-- it's the only comfortable way to accommodate my growing belly. This wouldn't be a problem, except during the day my boys keep trying to toss it around and perform "tricks" on it (which they learned from our 7-yo neighbor next door).

That's enough ramblings for now...look for more "dark side" ramblings coming soon!

spinning!

For my birthday last January, I got a gift certificate for a 3-month membership to a local gym about three blocks from home. Since Z was still very young and very clingy at the time, I postponed starting the membership. Then, it was summer and I had plenty of opportunities to go for walks and get exercise outdoors, so I didn't use it then, either. Now it's Fall, and my second trimester of pregnancy-- the perfect time to use my membership!

Many benefits have been discovered for women-- and their babies-- who exercise regularly during pregnancy, including easier labor, and babies who are born leaner (more muscle, less fat) and score better overall on apgar tests.

Of course, each woman is an individual case, and exercise in some instances can be contraindicated for health reasons. For me, fortunately, that is not a problem (at least not so far). Of course I am taking it easy, keeping it low impact.

I started a spinning class last night. The instructor appeared to be in his 50s and kind of nervous about having a pregnant woman in his class. I assured him-- not in so many words-- that I would be fine, that I had a good idea what I was doing, that I was not new to exercising, that in short I was capable of taking care of myself and not overdoing it.

Anyway, I did take it easy-- relatively, but I also had come to work, and I did. I broke out a good sweat, and practiced some deep breathing and stretched as I spun. I also got kind of saddle sore; the bike seats are not very comfortable, and I found myself envying the other bikers whenever they spun standing up, which I couldn't really do comfortably. I went for a half-hour-- could have done more, but didn't push it. I felt great and look forward to the next class :)

Competition

Life is a Game.

It's Just a Game.

Win it or Lose it.

The only Opponent that matters is Yourself.

In it to Win it.

We've all heard all the above statements, or similar ones, at some point in our lives. There are a lot of differing opinions out there on competition-- Is it good? Is it bad? I don't have the definitive answer.

I do know one thing, though, if my own children are any representation of the general population: and that is, that children seem born ready to compete. A child as young as 18 months-- perhaps younger-- is already capable of joining in sibling rivalry. A baby can join you in a tug-of-war, and giggle when you finally let him win. Let's face it-- winning feels good; losing feels bad. It's a natural response.

"Experts" try to tell parents and caregivers that competition in children is bad, that it's psychologically damaging to children to let them compete in sports, in school, and so on. So is born the "non-competitive sports league," where "everyone's a winner." Or the alternative school that seeks to praise each child for whatever effort he or she exerts, and never criticize or push a child to "try a little harder next time."

Surely, children should not be pushed into competing beyond their own natural desire or capability, to be made to believe that he must win at whatever cost. Nor is it good for a child to be constantly made to feel inferior just because he did not do as well as so-on-so on whatever task. There is a delicate balance in these matters, to be sure.

But is it wise to suppress a naturally-competitive spirit? To never offer praise at a job well done? To never encourage a child to put forth his best effort? Because that's what might happen if we never allow competition.

Sure, we all hope that our children will work hard in school because it's good for them, because the intrinsic reward of learning and growing up to be a knowledgeable, capable adult should be motivation enough. But the truth is, children rarely have that kind of foresight. They need a more immediate motivation, and "competition" in the form of grades and other recognition still seems to me to be the best solution.

It's not fail-proof, of course. And how does the child feel who constantly brings home a "bad" report card despite giving his very best effort? Like I said before-- winning feels good, and losing feels bad. The "experts" do have it right, in a way. Competition can be psychologically damaging for this child. But is it really the competition that is the culprit? Or is it the losing? And how the child is taught to deal with losing?

Think about it. What are some common responses we give our kids when they lose a game?

"Oh, you lost this time. But that's okay, maybe you'll win next time." What if they don't win "next time"?

 "Not everyone can be a winner every time." Small children just don't get this one. They're egotistical by nature, remember. I've tried to tell my own 4-yo this one a few times, and he always comes back with something like, "But I want to win!" Or "It's not fair!" Or simply "Waaaaahhhhh!" In other words, the world ends every time he loses; that's just the way it is, no matter what I say or don't say.

 "It wasn't your fault; you'll have better luck next time." This is a dangerous one, because if said too often, it can convince a child to believe that he has no control over whether he wins or loses, or that he bears little to no reponsibility for how he fares in life.

"It's just a game." No. It's not "just a game." Not to a child. It was an opportunity-- an opportunity to show off his skill, to impress his peers and/or his "superiors" (that would be adults). When he loses a game, he not only loses the game, but also the opportunity to have his talent noticed, to be seen as someone who is "above the rest," if only for a brief moment, to shine in front of his peers, to be recognized by his superiors for his effort.

So oftentimes, we may find ourselves swinging the other way, trying to ensure that our child never has to feel the sting of losing. I've fallen into the trap myself at times: I'll reshuffle the cards when my son's not looking to ensure that he gets to the Candy Castle before I do; I'll purposefully run slower so he gets to the corner first. I can't help it, it seems, though I know it's probably not the best thing.

Here's something to ponder: why do we play "games"? I'm not talking about games like make-believe, or "ring around the rosie," which obviously are not designed to be competitive. I'm talking about games like "red-light-green-light," or "capture the flag"-- games with a clear winner at the end. Why were these games invented? They were invented to teach certain skills, to improve a child's physical prowess or strategical thinking. The competitive nature of these games, I suppose, arose naturally as children playing them realized (and continue to realize) that some of them were better at playing certain games than others were, that they could either win or not win (aka "lose"), and that-- hey! Winning felt good! Losing felt bad.

Let's take a critical look at non-sompetitive sports for a moment. On the surface, it seems like a good idea. Get a group of children together, teach them the basics of the game, and let them loose to have fun. So far, so good. But then little Junior points out that "those kids over there [in the competitive group] are getting trophies. I want a trophy!" What Junior doesn't realize, and may not even care to acknowledge even if it's pointed out to him, is that not all of "those kids" are getting trophies, and that the ones who do are working very hard to earn them. Unlike our Junior, whom we've chosen to put in a non-competitive sport because we just want him to "have fun," not work hard to compete and become a better player, or to-- gasp!-- be exposed to the psychologically damaging effect of losing when he doesn't do as well as his peers.

But, a meeting of parents and coaches is held, and it is decided that our children still deserve some recognition for "having fun." So trophies are ordered and given out at the next game, and Junior is happy. But, if every child gets a trophy every time, no matter how well he does, what's the point in trying to win? What's the point in even trying at all?

And who are we kidding anyway? Because eventually, at some point when Junior grows up a bit more, he's going to realize what's going on. Maybe he really was a good, hard-working player and deserved the trophies he got; but then, how's he going to feel about Buddy over here who got the exact same recognition as Junior, for simply sitting in the outfield and picking dandelions? Or maybe Junior was the one who goofed off during the game, paying more attention to picking on little Jane and pulling her pigtails; while Jane is the one who worked hard to learn the skills and brought in the most home runs for her team, but was denied the extra praise and recognition that she deserved as the team's "Most Valuable Player"?

But, to be fair, let's look at the other side. What are the possible bad consequences of competition-- particularly, too much competition? Because I do believe there is such a thing.

What about the attitude that I hinted at at the very start of this article? "Life is a Game."

While I do believe that some competition in life is good and natural, it can be taken too far. A child who is allowed-- or encouraged-- to compete in every aspect of his life, is likely to grow up believing that he must always "win" in everything. He must get the highest grade. He must be the fastest runner. He must be the funniest kid in the class. He must have the biggest slice of pizza. He must fly the highest kite. The list goes on. Where does it end? Every task, then, becomes a "game" in this child's mind. His whole life becomes one big game. And as he grows up, the stakes get higher: He must make the most money. He must have the biggest house. He must have the prettiest wife. He must he must he must. And what happens if one day he loses? Well, losing feels bad, remember?

The "experts" have it right, in a way. But we're not going to help our children in the long run by doing away with competition altogether. Rather, we should be focusing our efforts on teaching our children when it is appropriate to compete, and when it is not. We can focus our efforts on helping our children to learn how to be graceful winners, and confident losers. When our child loses at something, we can help him accept the defeat, and then help him find ways to become better, or else encourage him to try out other skills that he might excell at.

And, ultimately, our goal should be to teach them that the greatest achievement in life is simply to be the best people they can be, to realize and to accept their own strengths and their own weaknesses, and that they don't have to "win" at everything in order to be good and valuable human beings.

A little friendly competition in the form of "games" is the first step.